I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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