I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize