Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
