i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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