is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
