i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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