i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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