Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
