I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
