My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
