I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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