She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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