Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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