Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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