woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
