I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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