I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
