I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize