Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
