Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
should my penis look like a turkey
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We have so much sex to catch up on
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
