so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
