Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
