BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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