Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
