I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
