Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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