I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
