Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
