You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
