I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
