My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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