I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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