It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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