Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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