exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
