You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
