what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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