i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
