i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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