Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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