I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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