I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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