it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
