i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
