When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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