i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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