What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
