the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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