Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
