I heard we made out
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
