She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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