i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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