Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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