Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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