we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
