That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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