I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
