so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
