Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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